It's been a while..

I have to be honest and say that I really haven't known what to write about lately.  I think my life might be boring or depressing, and I'm not sure I've totally figured out this season of life.  A few weeks, someone sang this song at church, and I felt like it was the closest to really saying how I feel about the right now.

The sermon was on Doubting Thomas, and there was a group of singers who sang Nickel Creek's Doubting Thomas song.  I felt like it captured my spirit over the last year... or at least the last few months.  When I say doubt, I am not referring to not believing in God or lacking faith.  I have struggled in my circumstances and have questioned why some things have happened the way that they have.


I don't want use this blog as a impetus to say "Why me?" or to use it to complain about how no matter how hard I try, that I just can't get a job... but I do feel the need to share a little bit of that story.  Haven't I already been through this just last summer? :)  It hasn't been so long since I applied for 20+ jobs and heard nothing for months, only to eventually get a job that everyone who applies for that particular job gets regardless of whether you speak English or if you're a real person*.  Then, I began the time-consuming process of applying for a School Psychologist position for the second year.  And guess what?  No interviews.  No jobs in at least 10 surrounding counties. 


I spent seven years in school to apparently learn to wait.  I'm joking a little, but that's really what it feels like.  The three years I spent in grad school were so difficult, and I wanted to quit almost every day, but I felt like God called me to that place and so I persevered.  I went through what felt like an eternity of emptiness doing something I didn't enjoy.  And for what?  A terrible job market.  And one good friend that came out of the program.  


Well, hello there, sin, you and I are well acquainted over the past year or so.  There have been days when I have felt so discouraged and frustrated and angry.  "Lord, why did you make me go through this?  Why does my job situation have to be the first thing people ask about?  Why can't people stop giving me the same bad advice over and over? **"  Deep down, I know that God isn't holding out on me or punishing me for anything.  I've come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't the right path, and this is God's way of protecting me from something else or leading me down a different path.  I haven't really figured that part out yet.  I tried to feel thankful that God gave me a time of rest after graduate school.  I've even struggling with wondering when it's going to be my time.  I feel stuck, sometimes.  A few months ago, I was with a friend when she got news of getting her second job right before she got married.  What perfect timing!  Of course, I'm happy for her but I couldn't help wondering when my turn for good news would come.  I know that's so incredibly selfish, and I didn't share those thoughts with her, of course, but it's moments like that that sometimes send me into a tailspin.


I'm trying to be hopeful and faithful and trust that God is refining me during this period.  I'm not saying that I should get what I want or that I even deserve something just because I worked hard.  I guess I just expected to have more clarity by this point or that God would provide other options for me.  I don't know.  :)  I think I'm struggling with feeling like I need to be more.  I feel like my world impact is so small, sometimes.  Sometimes, I feel like others may look at me like I'm wasting my life because I'm smart and I have a lot to offer. 


"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14    






* When I say "real person", I'm referring to the person who wanted to become a sub because of children's smiles.  I know.  I know.  I should be nicer.  I love the smile of a child about as much as anyone, but I'm not sure being a sub = children's smiles.  Maybe they smile when they get away with tricking you.  :)


** Okay, yet another complaint.  School psychologists are not the same as teachers.  We are hired by the district, not a particular school.  Sometimes, I want to scream when people tell me to just go around to schools and introduce myself.